Angels & Demons

We all have inner demons inside us - some dormant, some not so. The dormant ones I am not bothered about - they do not harass me - they do not threaten to come out in the open, out of their comfort zones. What I am worried about are the ones that are in my sub-conscious but almost touching my conscious mind. The ones that I often bite my tongue for, lest I say it out aloud and off goes the relationship!

A lot of incident in life leave a permanent scar. A scar that causes more hurt or worry than what it is worth. My logical mind knows there is no basis but my demons overpower everything that is logical, sane and sensible. Everytime I hear of someone's happiness my first immediate reaction is what! how! why her/ him!! Even if its a best friend, a sister - anyone whom I love dearly. The horrible demons inside me want others to feel the pain I felt - though me as a person would never ever feel this way. Its a constant avoidance avoidance conflict. Being a Psychologist - (a gold medalist at that!) I should know better - I should know what I preach. Everything in your mind is under your control, you train your mind to focus on the positives, on what you have rather than what others have and you don't - blah blah. But its so difficult to do that (although I tell others its simple if you put your mind to it) Have tried everything to get out of such 'scars' - vacations, watching senseless movies & TV Shows, hanging out with friends over nonsensical topics, trying my hand at different businesses, pretending to be more than happy but it doesn't work. The slightest provocation (especially at someone's else's happiness) initiates the water works incorporated.

We all have Inner Demons but what about Inner Angels. The cynical me doesn't believe in angels, only in Demons. But I've been told that to balance out bad there is good - to balance out evil there are miracles! So maybe if just for a moment I do think of the fact that I have Inner Angels - what purpose do they serve? I would like to believe they are my Conscience - the Inner voice. The one that stops me from doing evil, stops my Demons from acting out, stops me from telling my mother in law her food sucks and telling my mother that she tends to be boring at times. Although my Demons are more over powering than I would like them to be, my angels aren't lazy either. They make me sound happy when I am sad, they make me congratulate friends on their happiness when my Demons don't want to acknowledge it, they make me focus on work when my mind is restless - thank god for angels!!!

Hell yeah, I would love to believe in Angels and not Demons - can my confused and cynical mind allow this please?