Love, Cooking and Spoilt Brats

For My Mom

My earliest memory of my mom is cooking in the kitchen, constantly making different dishes for each one of us lest we accuse her of favoritism. She spoiled us completely and I thought this was the norm till I discussed it one day with a classmate and she was aghast and completely envious of me! With mouth wide open, she said, "You mean to say your mom cooks different stuff for all of you depending on your fancy and actually cajoles you to eat?" In school, with our lunch sometimes would be hand-written notes, saying "Love you" or "Enjoy your food" and my friends would say "How sweet" but I always thought they were teasing me. I would come home and shout at her for being childish. Would shout at her for embarrassing me. If only I could get hand-written notes today with my meals.

As a kid, I would enjoy yelling the place down if the vegetable was not to my liking and my poor mother would come running to apologize and ask me what I wanted to eat. The spoilt brat instead would retort, "Nothing. You go cook for your husband and other children. I'll Have MAGGI" Maggi was the utter insult for her. That was my weapon for getting anything I wanted because she considered Maggi to be 'unhealthy and life-threatening!' She would still try to cajole me saying, "One day you will miss all this as once you are married, nobody will care if you want to eat or not. Nobody will cajole you. You wont even get angry and will eat anything" and i would snigger! Today, yes, I miss all this. Nobody cares the way you did Ma. I have to cook/ decide and its no fun throwing tantrums on yourself.

Friends who would come over (without prior intimation) would be amazed at the spread of food on a regular basis. That was the first time I started valuing her food. Then came my work-life where once again my colleagues would be envious of all the boxes I would be given. And me nonchalantly would say, "I dont even like it, I dont know why she gives me all this rubbish" although secretly I was proud of my Ma and her cooking. My work sometimes demanded that I leave at 6 a.m. to go to Panvel, where painstakingly my mom would wake up to make fresh food for me (never from the previous night - 'it's not healthy you see') I would go to Panvel and eat sandwiches etc there and sometimes bring back her food. Today, I realize what an insult it is. How horrible it feels when your loved one doesn't eat the food you've prepared for them.

It's not all about food, but for me food reminds me of my Mom. The best and most loving cook ever. For whom cooking was a demonstration of love and never a chore. For whom calories didn't matter but satisfaction mattered. For whom food meant family time. For whom food meant no compromise. Not once have I heard her saying. "I am tired I don't feel like cooking." I wish I could be selfless and all loving like her.

My dear husband, I love cooking for you. But I wish you were a little more demanding, the way I was. It's more fun to cook for demanding people, making things your loved ones love. I would like to believe that made my mom love cooking so much. Am sorry Mom.....I just love you and your food.

My Favourite Things

Yeah, how much ever we all deny it we do love the expensive things in life....who doesn't. A pair of shoes or a big bag gives me the same joy as other simpler things in life. Things which I never thought would give me happiness - same stuff I would scoff at my mother when she said it makes her happy. This is to you mom - I have become YOU!!

1) When the curd sets just right

2) When what I cook smells and tastes like my mom's food

3) Tightly fitted bed sheets

4) Fresh towels

5) Removing dirt from a corner I didn't know existed

6) Clearing out mess - goshhhhh!

7) The first drizzle - or any drizzle for that matter

8) A phone call from a friend (Ya these become rarer as you grow up and apart)

9) Being gifted a new kitchen gadget :)

10) A new easy tasty recipe

11) Getting a wonderful maid - it's God's way of showing HE loves you

12) Cuddling with my husband - the feeling of security it evokes - aaah BLISS

The Show

Yesterday while cleaning the windows (Yeah, I do that once every few weeks when am really bored!) I accidentally hurt my toe. It was really painful but since I was alone at home all I did was a silent Ouch! It just struck me that had there been someone around - my husband, friends, parents, anyone - even my maid - I would have yelped in pain. Why do we express our pains, joy, sorrow only when there are people around. How many times do you laugh aloud when you're alone - I atleast feel stupid? (although I guess we do cry alone) Are we conscious with ourselves or do we just need an audience all the time. As social beings we need human contact - be it for sympathy, pity, companionship or just having someone around. Since the time I've moved back to Bombay and am jobless - I feel the need to have people around. Not necessarily to talk to or listen to but just see others around. For that, I go to Crosswords to probably sit & read the same books that I already have at home. My logic is atleast I can see life around me. It makes me feel less lonely - more like I am in a movie or play.

Our life is a show. We get married in expensive clothes, expensive halls, meet people we barely know, put ourselves through 3 hours of sheer reception torture - only because we want to 'show'others how well we've married!! (Ok expensive clothes is to make you look good for yourself). We make good food only when we have guests over - who is interested in feeding only the husband? As a newly wed, you make all kinds of exotic dishes to impress hubby dearest or in-laws. Once it is achieved, you crave to have guests over - so that you can 'show' them what a wonderful cook you are. We use our fancy crockery also only to show others. Why don't we use it for ourselves everyday to get a gourmet dinner experience at home? Because - there is no audience!!!

Try as we might - we can't get away from showbiz! Whoever said they are not show-offs are not human beings!!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

What is it about friends (maybe family to some extent as well) that helps you take your mind off everything that is bothering you. You could be irritated, angry, annoyed for days and weeks together for no apparent reason and just one meeting with an old friend gets you nostalgic and happy!! I have been cribbing since a month about having nothing to do and being too lazy to meet anyone. Finally yesterday decided to go meet a friend whom I havent met in the past 3 years, not been too much in touch with but used to always have a blast with. As usual, she didn''t let me down. Met her with some other people I didn't know but still ended up enjoying myself. The effect (of not cribbing and being happy!) will last for a week atleast - totally worth it! I probably won't meet her again for the next 5 years but it doesn't matter - she is one of those friends with whom I probably dont confide in but can yet tell her anything! Ever wondered how we have so many kinds of friends - you can actually categorize them.

1) All weather friends - these are the friends you need everyday of your life, need to know what's happening in their lives, need to tell them whats happening in yours and meet them regularly. They are your lifeline. Usually you would have 2-3 of these.

2) Just for fun friends - these are the ones you remember when you probably just want to do nothing sensible. Maybe shopping, bitching or go drinking - for no reason. Can talk to them about anything under the sun and pick up exactly from where you left the last time (maybe 3 years ago) Would meet them once in a few months or years - its the epitome of 'no-strings-attached' relation. Maybe 3-4 of these.

3) Work friends - Somehow over the years, from every job you collect a few 'friends-colleagues'. Colleagues whom you were really close to while you worked but once either of you moved on to greener pastures, you lost that 'friendship' though you still do meet up/ talk every 6 months or so to revive old days. No limit to the number of 'work friends' one can have.

4) Childhood friends - People who you literally grew up with, got dirty (i mean muddy!!) with, saw each other peeing, ate together, played all foolish games with, spoke about your first crush with. Some of us are lucky enough to have them in our adult life but for most of us, childhood friends drift apart. Suddenly you are too different from each other; priorities change, friends change, your new friend/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ fiancee doesn't think your childhood friend is 'cool enough' and you start agreeing. Usually you will have a maximum of 2-3 of these (if you are lucky)

5) Feel good friends - human beings are mean! They feel happy only when they see someone else's sadness. Having one 'friend' like that i.e. a friend having problems greater than yours - makes you feel not only superior (at giving her advice) but also happier about your life. Hopefully none of us have more than 1 of this kind of a friend. (They are equivalent to 100)

Despite having all these friends you never ever seem to forget the ones that got away. That moved on because of some kiddish fight which you don't seem to fathom now. But since too much time has passed, too much water has crossed under the bridge, you can never make up....or can u?

Changing Lifescapes

Life, as I have known it, is a constant change. Priorities change, people change, situations change, statuses change, economics change although one thing is constant - Myself! No, it doesn't imply that I have not undergone any change - of course I have - but through all the changes Me remains Me. Hahaha am sure you're thinking I've lost it and it doesn't make any sense...well guess what, it makes total sense to Me.

When I was a new born the only focus was to eat and excrete with crying spells in the midst of boredom. As I grew older; toys, gifts, people (in that order) became a fascination. Once I started schooling, focus was entirely on getting more marks, competing with others and ensuring I made my parents proud (!). Teenage years for most people are the roughest - new friends, an undying attention on fashion with ugly faces (pimples, gangly frames, facial hair et al) and proving who's father is the richest of all! As soon as you cross your teenage years, you laugh back at what you were- surprisingly you considered yourself Pretty Hot back then!! You laugh at what your shallow interests were, how shallow & callous your friends were and are so happy at where you've reached right now. At the age of 20 you have more or less decided your career, assuring yourself you will make a difference in this world, not hanker after money and excel at your field. The minute you finish your studies - graduation or post graduation - you jump at offers and are slightly disappointed at how much you get after your first salary (Whatever seemed a lot of money 2 years back while studying , all of a sudden seems as good as zilch). But you carry on thinking you are helping the world. After a few months, disillusionment hits you as you realize not only that you're not making any money but filing papers is not helping save the world. Thats when Crisis 1 hits - Job Change/ Industry Change/ Career change. You again start at the beginning thinking this is IT - have found my calling. But you never do (Wow am such a believer in cynicism!) You keep searching for the one thing that includes 1) A good boss 2)Excellent pay package with perks 3) Work that challenges you but doesn't expect you to stretch 4) Colleagues who are your friends - with no politics at all. Too good to be true? Of course it is!!! Once you make peace with the fact that this is a Unicorn you are chasing, you might, just MIGHT be a little happier albeit with another dark horse lurking in the shadows.

You think finding the right partner might be easier than the above mentioned subjects - but NO. God didn't want to give you anything easy now, did HE. So now you struggle to find Mr. Right - the kind you've heard of or read about (in Mills & Boons of course!) Again, no luck - you meet loads of Mr Wrongs who you initially think is Mr. Right but then sometimes his teeth are too ugly or his bank balance is alarmingly low, someone is toooo clingy, someone is playing tooo hard to get, someone doesn't care about your feelings, someone doesnt care about your parents. So basically it's a dead end. Finally you settle down with someone who is closest to your Mr. Right and you feel like Phewwwwwwww. Finally you are done with stuff. hahahahhaha you would think.

Within a year, financial security, kids planning, kids school.....gawdd...It'll never end.

It is high time we all realize we will never be 'happy'. We will never stop searching for the next thing that is going to make us happy forever. First we want a job, then we say ok a man and thats enough. Then a baby and thats enough. Then the baby needs to grow up quickly so that we can have time. Then "Oh god my baby's grown up so soon - those days were so amazing when all he would do would be sleep and be in my arms"(Ya right!!) How do we expect God to keep providing for our never ending needs and demands. We need to be happy NOW. Not say that we will be happy when we have this - because that will never ever make us happy. (I just want a House - after that I promise you God, I will never ask for anything)

Angels & Demons

We all have inner demons inside us - some dormant, some not so. The dormant ones I am not bothered about - they do not harass me - they do not threaten to come out in the open, out of their comfort zones. What I am worried about are the ones that are in my sub-conscious but almost touching my conscious mind. The ones that I often bite my tongue for, lest I say it out aloud and off goes the relationship!

A lot of incident in life leave a permanent scar. A scar that causes more hurt or worry than what it is worth. My logical mind knows there is no basis but my demons overpower everything that is logical, sane and sensible. Everytime I hear of someone's happiness my first immediate reaction is what! how! why her/ him!! Even if its a best friend, a sister - anyone whom I love dearly. The horrible demons inside me want others to feel the pain I felt - though me as a person would never ever feel this way. Its a constant avoidance avoidance conflict. Being a Psychologist - (a gold medalist at that!) I should know better - I should know what I preach. Everything in your mind is under your control, you train your mind to focus on the positives, on what you have rather than what others have and you don't - blah blah. But its so difficult to do that (although I tell others its simple if you put your mind to it) Have tried everything to get out of such 'scars' - vacations, watching senseless movies & TV Shows, hanging out with friends over nonsensical topics, trying my hand at different businesses, pretending to be more than happy but it doesn't work. The slightest provocation (especially at someone's else's happiness) initiates the water works incorporated.

We all have Inner Demons but what about Inner Angels. The cynical me doesn't believe in angels, only in Demons. But I've been told that to balance out bad there is good - to balance out evil there are miracles! So maybe if just for a moment I do think of the fact that I have Inner Angels - what purpose do they serve? I would like to believe they are my Conscience - the Inner voice. The one that stops me from doing evil, stops my Demons from acting out, stops me from telling my mother in law her food sucks and telling my mother that she tends to be boring at times. Although my Demons are more over powering than I would like them to be, my angels aren't lazy either. They make me sound happy when I am sad, they make me congratulate friends on their happiness when my Demons don't want to acknowledge it, they make me focus on work when my mind is restless - thank god for angels!!!

Hell yeah, I would love to believe in Angels and not Demons - can my confused and cynical mind allow this please?