360 Degree Change

Its been 2 years since my son came into this world - it has been a whirlwind of emotions, learning and patience. It has been more positive than negative and I cannot thank God enough for giving me this beautiful human being. He has definitely made me feel complete, made me realize strengths I didn't think I had (patience....kind of) and makes me laugh like nobody else can or ever will be able to. Didnt know I had so much love inside me to give (Specially to a male child...a;ways thought I would be very low if I had a boy - but it just doesn't matter). But God always balances out your joys - cant have too much of a good thing lest you don't appreciate it. I have an obedient, stress-free, happy, well behaved child (most of the time) who loves eating food (!!) and sleeps when he is expected to...it's perfect right? Alas, he still calls himself 'baby' and wants to be pampered!
Anyways the rant is not about him - it's about me. I have never felt so complete and so lonely at the same time. The Husband is busy working and barely has any time for me - yes when I tell him, he makes it a point to come home early for a day or two but then again, nothing. i don't blame him - he is working after all but I feel so alone and so frustrated. I feel like I have no friends left, my son doesn't seem to have or want friends and neither does my husband. I crave social interactions, want to go out but don't seem to find any like minded people around or people in general.
Today I just have been crying for no reason at all - I want to go out and have a life - problem is I don't know where and how to start. How does one make friends at the age of 33? How?? Where?? What do you do with people who you think are like minded but are always busy and never willing to come out with you - do you assume they don't like you or they are just indifferent? I have never been so low and so depressed. Work is there but it doesn't complete me because I feel guilty leaving him behind for too long. The ideal solution would be play-dates where he and I are both busy and occupied. Just need to vent out because nobody would understand and I don't like to come across as weak or friendless. Igot him to join playschool because I felt he needed to interact with other childsren and so did I with other moms....Wrong choice! Mothers are all working - and not interested in idle chatter. Son doesnt still enjoy playschool (its been 6 months) and is anxious most of the time. Feel I have made a mistake putting him in so early - when will he be excited and happy to go - I feel so guilty about doing this to him - my poor baby! I know I know all kids learn at their own pace and settle in eventually but i don't want him to be anxious and a fearful child.
Love you darling, For you - all this is worth it (Well, almost) - if only you would enjoy yourself a bit more!

The Happy Child

Why do I cry when I am happy...It is so embarrassing, but that's when I know that I am truly happy. I am afraid it's too good to be true and I cry. The exact same reaction when I saw two lines on the test. I couldn't believe it, something I've been waiting for a long long time and I just howled and let all my fears out. Unbelievable but ever since then, I have been feeling so unbelievably happy and positive.

It is a wonderful feeling to read up on what happens in this week, what may happen next week. Am actually looking forward to some pregnancy symptoms!!! This will be a wonderful pregnancy, I am sure of that and I trust in HIM completely. No doubts, no big fears and can envision the future with a child. Probably a girl? or maybe a boy - I now echo what most expectant parents say - all we wish for is a healthy baby - gender doesn't matter (ok maybe hope for a girl is a wee bit more).

This time, I will enjoy it to the fullest. Looking forward to sharing this news with everyone soon.....Till then, faith and prayers will help :)

The 30th Year

The 30th year is supposed to be a BIG one, primarily because others (or you) have set this as the time frame by when you should have achieved all that you wanted to for yourself. 'Achievements' include (and not restricted to) having your children (preferably 2), being set in your career, having a house of your own and basically being 'well settled' - marriage is just assumed! Well at the age of 27, I was almost on my way of getting all of these above mentioned 'expectations.' I was pregnant, I lived in our own house (with in-laws naturally), was set in my field and basically settled. That was 2009. Circa 2011 - I have faced a miscarriage, live in a rented house (in Mumbai), quit my job to find that elusive "passion" and having 2 children by the time I am 30 is a laughable matter - havent even managed conceiving one yet (P.N. - Bday is less than a month away). So why is 30 anything good or important - it is depressing to say the least. Atleast if I was 2- or 25 and searching for my passion it is understandable...but at the age of 30 ("gasp" go the Aunties). Both my mother and mother-in-law assume that I am infertile (not even considering for a fraction of a second that maybe I didnt want a child till now) or having too many issues conceiving. Everytime I tell people I have quit my job, pat comes the reply, "Oh my god....are you expecting" or even worse "Are you planning a family". Even if I was, what makes you think, you're someone I want to confide in?!!

So you get where I am coming from. Threshold of 30 - depressing! But somehow everything gets balanced out. I just wanted to get out of town and be by myself (and hubby) but due to investing in a property (oh ya, we now have bought our own house - though still need to live in rented accomodation in Mumbai!!) we're kind of broke to go to a fancy destination. So there I was - a month to go for my 30th bday - depressed at all the questions I will be faced with on that day - and my hubby does the most adorable thing ever....something that makes me love him even more (didnt think that was possible)...something that once again gives me the reassurance that you always choose the best for yourself!

On 29th Oct exactly 30 days before my birthday - he leaves a cute printed card - which says 30 days to 30 and some sweet nothings written at the back in his scrawly handwriting along with the new Chetan Bhagat book. (yah I hate Chetan Bhagat's style of writing but I still somehow read all his books - maybe cos they are cheap?? Dont know) I was so surprised and touched - almost cried. Did I tell you I love him to death!?

So I thought it was just a 30 days to 30 thing and kissed him etc and slept happily. Next day I see another one with a cute magnet and a similar card - 29 days to 30. Now all I can think of is, what do I get tomorrow - what will he write in the card. Its such a wonderful feeling. I had almost forgotten how I felt in 'love' It really is a wonderful feeling. Makes you feel special, makes you feel wanted. To hell with the Uncles and Aunties asking me anything on my 30th. All I need to tell them and show them is my husband. I bet nobody has him with them!

I know I dont deserve him, but maybe God thought I did....Thank you God...and D, you must have done something good at sometime to get him...so pat yourself :)

Want these 30 days to stretch......love the feeling

Love, Cooking and Spoilt Brats

For My Mom

My earliest memory of my mom is cooking in the kitchen, constantly making different dishes for each one of us lest we accuse her of favoritism. She spoiled us completely and I thought this was the norm till I discussed it one day with a classmate and she was aghast and completely envious of me! With mouth wide open, she said, "You mean to say your mom cooks different stuff for all of you depending on your fancy and actually cajoles you to eat?" In school, with our lunch sometimes would be hand-written notes, saying "Love you" or "Enjoy your food" and my friends would say "How sweet" but I always thought they were teasing me. I would come home and shout at her for being childish. Would shout at her for embarrassing me. If only I could get hand-written notes today with my meals.

As a kid, I would enjoy yelling the place down if the vegetable was not to my liking and my poor mother would come running to apologize and ask me what I wanted to eat. The spoilt brat instead would retort, "Nothing. You go cook for your husband and other children. I'll Have MAGGI" Maggi was the utter insult for her. That was my weapon for getting anything I wanted because she considered Maggi to be 'unhealthy and life-threatening!' She would still try to cajole me saying, "One day you will miss all this as once you are married, nobody will care if you want to eat or not. Nobody will cajole you. You wont even get angry and will eat anything" and i would snigger! Today, yes, I miss all this. Nobody cares the way you did Ma. I have to cook/ decide and its no fun throwing tantrums on yourself.

Friends who would come over (without prior intimation) would be amazed at the spread of food on a regular basis. That was the first time I started valuing her food. Then came my work-life where once again my colleagues would be envious of all the boxes I would be given. And me nonchalantly would say, "I dont even like it, I dont know why she gives me all this rubbish" although secretly I was proud of my Ma and her cooking. My work sometimes demanded that I leave at 6 a.m. to go to Panvel, where painstakingly my mom would wake up to make fresh food for me (never from the previous night - 'it's not healthy you see') I would go to Panvel and eat sandwiches etc there and sometimes bring back her food. Today, I realize what an insult it is. How horrible it feels when your loved one doesn't eat the food you've prepared for them.

It's not all about food, but for me food reminds me of my Mom. The best and most loving cook ever. For whom cooking was a demonstration of love and never a chore. For whom calories didn't matter but satisfaction mattered. For whom food meant family time. For whom food meant no compromise. Not once have I heard her saying. "I am tired I don't feel like cooking." I wish I could be selfless and all loving like her.

My dear husband, I love cooking for you. But I wish you were a little more demanding, the way I was. It's more fun to cook for demanding people, making things your loved ones love. I would like to believe that made my mom love cooking so much. Am sorry Mom.....I just love you and your food.

My Favourite Things

Yeah, how much ever we all deny it we do love the expensive things in life....who doesn't. A pair of shoes or a big bag gives me the same joy as other simpler things in life. Things which I never thought would give me happiness - same stuff I would scoff at my mother when she said it makes her happy. This is to you mom - I have become YOU!!

1) When the curd sets just right

2) When what I cook smells and tastes like my mom's food

3) Tightly fitted bed sheets

4) Fresh towels

5) Removing dirt from a corner I didn't know existed

6) Clearing out mess - goshhhhh!

7) The first drizzle - or any drizzle for that matter

8) A phone call from a friend (Ya these become rarer as you grow up and apart)

9) Being gifted a new kitchen gadget :)

10) A new easy tasty recipe

11) Getting a wonderful maid - it's God's way of showing HE loves you

12) Cuddling with my husband - the feeling of security it evokes - aaah BLISS

The Show

Yesterday while cleaning the windows (Yeah, I do that once every few weeks when am really bored!) I accidentally hurt my toe. It was really painful but since I was alone at home all I did was a silent Ouch! It just struck me that had there been someone around - my husband, friends, parents, anyone - even my maid - I would have yelped in pain. Why do we express our pains, joy, sorrow only when there are people around. How many times do you laugh aloud when you're alone - I atleast feel stupid? (although I guess we do cry alone) Are we conscious with ourselves or do we just need an audience all the time. As social beings we need human contact - be it for sympathy, pity, companionship or just having someone around. Since the time I've moved back to Bombay and am jobless - I feel the need to have people around. Not necessarily to talk to or listen to but just see others around. For that, I go to Crosswords to probably sit & read the same books that I already have at home. My logic is atleast I can see life around me. It makes me feel less lonely - more like I am in a movie or play.

Our life is a show. We get married in expensive clothes, expensive halls, meet people we barely know, put ourselves through 3 hours of sheer reception torture - only because we want to 'show'others how well we've married!! (Ok expensive clothes is to make you look good for yourself). We make good food only when we have guests over - who is interested in feeding only the husband? As a newly wed, you make all kinds of exotic dishes to impress hubby dearest or in-laws. Once it is achieved, you crave to have guests over - so that you can 'show' them what a wonderful cook you are. We use our fancy crockery also only to show others. Why don't we use it for ourselves everyday to get a gourmet dinner experience at home? Because - there is no audience!!!

Try as we might - we can't get away from showbiz! Whoever said they are not show-offs are not human beings!!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

What is it about friends (maybe family to some extent as well) that helps you take your mind off everything that is bothering you. You could be irritated, angry, annoyed for days and weeks together for no apparent reason and just one meeting with an old friend gets you nostalgic and happy!! I have been cribbing since a month about having nothing to do and being too lazy to meet anyone. Finally yesterday decided to go meet a friend whom I havent met in the past 3 years, not been too much in touch with but used to always have a blast with. As usual, she didn''t let me down. Met her with some other people I didn't know but still ended up enjoying myself. The effect (of not cribbing and being happy!) will last for a week atleast - totally worth it! I probably won't meet her again for the next 5 years but it doesn't matter - she is one of those friends with whom I probably dont confide in but can yet tell her anything! Ever wondered how we have so many kinds of friends - you can actually categorize them.

1) All weather friends - these are the friends you need everyday of your life, need to know what's happening in their lives, need to tell them whats happening in yours and meet them regularly. They are your lifeline. Usually you would have 2-3 of these.

2) Just for fun friends - these are the ones you remember when you probably just want to do nothing sensible. Maybe shopping, bitching or go drinking - for no reason. Can talk to them about anything under the sun and pick up exactly from where you left the last time (maybe 3 years ago) Would meet them once in a few months or years - its the epitome of 'no-strings-attached' relation. Maybe 3-4 of these.

3) Work friends - Somehow over the years, from every job you collect a few 'friends-colleagues'. Colleagues whom you were really close to while you worked but once either of you moved on to greener pastures, you lost that 'friendship' though you still do meet up/ talk every 6 months or so to revive old days. No limit to the number of 'work friends' one can have.

4) Childhood friends - People who you literally grew up with, got dirty (i mean muddy!!) with, saw each other peeing, ate together, played all foolish games with, spoke about your first crush with. Some of us are lucky enough to have them in our adult life but for most of us, childhood friends drift apart. Suddenly you are too different from each other; priorities change, friends change, your new friend/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ fiancee doesn't think your childhood friend is 'cool enough' and you start agreeing. Usually you will have a maximum of 2-3 of these (if you are lucky)

5) Feel good friends - human beings are mean! They feel happy only when they see someone else's sadness. Having one 'friend' like that i.e. a friend having problems greater than yours - makes you feel not only superior (at giving her advice) but also happier about your life. Hopefully none of us have more than 1 of this kind of a friend. (They are equivalent to 100)

Despite having all these friends you never ever seem to forget the ones that got away. That moved on because of some kiddish fight which you don't seem to fathom now. But since too much time has passed, too much water has crossed under the bridge, you can never make up....or can u?